I’ll Patiently Wait
Photo by Melissa Glynn
I’m 44.
It just happened last week… like any other day. It came and went without bringing any clarity or organization to my chaotic brain. Every day I wake up and hope that THIS is the day I figure it all out. THIS is the day where everything makes sense and I know exactly what I’m meant to do next. But alas… it’s just another day.
I really thought 42 would be my year. It was my lucky number… it was the number I chose for everything. My family even adopted that number as their own number in some ways. So, when 42 was looming… I just knew it was going to bring amazing things.
Little did I know.
Instead of joy, 42 brought all the pain. It brought confusion and anger… deep sadness and regret. It brought shame and embarrassment. It brought my own personal Bowser… the final boss of self-loathing.
And, maybe one day I’ll write that story here. Maybe one day I’ll feel like it’s time to unearth that heartbreak… but not today.
Today, I write to say that I’m on the other side of it. Although 42 brought all the pain, it provoked what was next… it pushed me to make a decision I’ve been sitting on for YEARS. The decision to uproot my life and change everything.
My life wasn’t terrible by any means. My life was fine… some would even say I was killing it and “living the dream”. I built a successful photography business in a highly desirable and competitive city. I bought my own home. Alone. I created a beautiful home filled with beautiful things. I had a community of wonderful friends, family, and clients that I had cultivated over 20 years. I was “well fed” and didn’t have to work hard to stay that way.
But it wasn’t enough. Something was missing. Something is still missing, and I have no clue what it is.
When I made this big move… after I sold my home, moved across the country, got settled in a new house that I don’t own and surrounded myself with all the same things… I panicked. What did I do? I just left a seemingly amazing situation for this? No clients. No equity. No friends. No community. What was I thinking?!!!
I had to do a lot of soul searching. Was this the right move? Did I choose the right path?? Am I crazy??
But ultimately, when I sat with it… and when I asked myself,
“Do you want to go back?”
The immediate and URGENT response was…
“NO!!!"
I then asked myself,
“If someone could put everything back to how it was - you can have your house, equity, clients, everything. Would you do it?”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT!!”
The peace this gave me was overwhelming. Because even though I have no clue what I’m doing here… I have no clue what will happen next. I don’t know what direction this path will take me or who I will meet or how I will even make money - I have peace in knowing that I did the right thing. The Universe/God is holding me. I have peace in knowing that I listened to my gut… my intuition… my inner voice… “the holy spirit” for the Christians who may read this… I trusted my inner knowing that was put there by a higher power. So, whatever happens next… is.
I will lean into it. I will trust it.
I heard a poem by Sophia Kai recently that resonated. She said…
“The cracks aren’t flaws; they’re openings. The more we empty, the more life can move through us. At times we think we’ll vanish if we let go of who we were, but life does not fear hollow things - it fills them. It transforms them…
You don’t heal by holding it together - you heal by letting everything you thought was true… fall apart.”
And I think that’s exactly what the Universe is doing in me.
So, I’ll patiently wait.
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