The Roar
There is a part of me that wants to come out, but it’s scared and it has no clue how to.
After years of believing my voice doesn’t matter, my thoughts are wrong, my feelings are too much, my perspective is too different and being shut down by people close to me… why wouldn’t I be afraid to be seen?
And the truth is, I keep shoving her back down. Not because I don’t want her… but because I’m scared of what happens if I let her speak.
But I had a dream last night that made something crystal clear: this is fear-based. It’s not the truth.
The Dream
I was sitting at a glass table with my ex and my sweet pup, Zaza. She was in my lap, so I could see her under the table as we sat talking. I don’t know what led to it, but suddenly I tried to speak - nothing came out.
I tried again. Still nothing.
Once more, and then I heard it: a deep, guttural roar.
Instant panic.
My brain went straight to something is taking over. A demon. Evil energy. Something dark inside of me that I didn’t want to admit was there. So I tried harder to speak… cry, yell, scream - anything. But my voice wouldn’t work and the roar got louder.
I looked at Zaza. I looked at my ex.
They were frozen, but it looked like energy was jolting around them. Like time had stopped. As though there was a glitch in the matrix and everyone else had been paused except me.
I tried to speak one more time and finally something came out:
“HELP ME!”
Over and over: “HELP ME! HELP ME!!”
But my lips weren’t moving. I couldn’t tell if I was actually saying it out loud or just thinking it so loudly it felt like sound… because every time I tried to push the words out, the roar grew louder. More overpowering. Like it was swallowing everything.
And then I woke up.
The Fear
I was terrified. I lay there frozen, convinced there was something inside of me I shouldn’t touch - something negative, something evil. I’ve seen negative energy manifest in people. I’ve seen what it looks like when someone’s darkness leaks out, and I do NOT want that to be part of my experience on this planet.
So I did what fear does.
I stayed still.
I didn’t move. I didn’t breathe too deeply. I didn’t want to “wake it up.” I didn’t want it in the room.
Eventually, I forced myself out of bed for water and the bathroom - as if maybe a normal, simple task could neutralize the whole thing. Then I climbed back into bed and did what so many of us do when we don’t want to feel: I grabbed my phone. I let it numb my brain because I didn’t want to think about the dream. I didn’t want to give it power… just in case.
Thankfully, I eventually fell back asleep.
The Leo Full Moon
Today, we have a Full Moon in Leo.
For most people, that means absolutely nothing - and that’s totally ok. But for me (and my fellow astrology lovers), it’s an interesting moment because Leo is about authenticity. Leo wants you to show people who you really are without hesitation and love yourself in the process.
This Full Moon also pulls in Aquarius energy - this nudge to take your authenticity and do something with it. To contribute. To create. To be brave in service of something bigger than your own comfort.
How cool is that?
The Universe is basically saying: do what you love… be who you are completely… love who you are fully… and if you do these things, you can actually change the world!?
Magic, y’all.
The Calling
So how is that relevant to my dream?
Because it’s time for me to embrace the parts of me I’ve been too afraid to share.
Predominantly: my voice. My story.
For ten years, I’ve felt an intense calling to use my voice in some way. At first I thought it was about teaching photography - helping people learn how to use a camera and run the business. But the deeper I got into that idea, the more it felt too small. Not because photography is small (it isn’t - it’s still one of my favorite things), but because the calling inside me wasn’t about settings and lighting.
It was about meaning.
It was about truth.
It was about saying the hard things out loud.
Every so often, the nudge would return: you need to do more… you’re meant for something bigger… you have something to say… you need to share your story.
And every time, I’d entertain it briefly… then I’d look for an “easy” version of it. A palatable version. A version that didn’t require me to be seen.
But those versions never became anything, because they weren’t the real thing.
So I stuffed it down. Again and again.
Leaving the Life I Built
Until the feeling got so strong that I left my entire life. The one I built.
I had a good life in Austin. A successful career. A home I bought for myself. A community of friends, family, clients, and colleagues I cultivated over twenty years. I was thriving in one of the most desirable cities in the country.
Most people would look at that and think, Wow. You made it!
And I did.
I achieved the things I set out to achieve. And I am incredibly proud of myself for all of it.
But I also know - deeply - that there is more for me to do. And when the door opened at the end of 2024, I walked through it without knowing how or why or what was next.
Talk about a scary dream.
The last year has been fear and faith and hope and bravery and anxiety and excitement… and every other emotion you can imagine. I have asked myself, “What the hell have you done!?” more times than I care to admit.
But the answer always comes back the same:
“I have no idea… but I know it’s right.”
How do I know it’s right?
Because the idea of going back to who I was before comes with a resounding “NO!” I don’t want that life anymore. I don’t want to be her anymore. She was lovely, but I know a new version of me is coming. I’ve evolved and I want to keep evolving, as long as I continue to trust myself and the Universe.
So Here I Am
So here I am… in a new city where I knew zero people when I arrived a month ago. On a journey to figure out what this nudging has been about all along. Trying to be brave in a new way.
Not brave in the “move cities and start over” way (though that definitely counts). But brave in the “say the hard things out loud” way.
It’s terrifying. It’s lonely sometimes. It’s the kind of scary that makes you want to shrink and disappear under the covers (which I have done many times lately).
But I don’t think my dream was a warning.
I think it was a mirror.
Because what I thought was an evil roar wasn’t evil at all.
It was my Leo Rising.
It was the part of me that needs to come out.
The part of me that needs to be heard.
That was the lioness inside of me, roaring so loudly because she’s done being polite and quiet about her own existence and experience.
So… here I am.
Choosing to see this scary thing as a gift. A purpose. And maybe the greatest challenge of my life.
An Invitation
Have you ever had a dream that scared you—only to realize later it was pointing you toward something important? If this resonates, hit reply and tell me what your “roar” has been trying to say. I’d love to know!
Want to learn more about the Full Moon in Leo? Click here.
Or, if you want to get SUPER magical about it… Download The Pattern App and enter your birth info to get your chart done and see how the Full Moon will impact you directly.
