WARNING :: IMPOSTER!!

That’s what my brain says when I thought about building this platform for the past decade. I kept telling myself this is not a good idea, no one will care what I have to say! I’m NOT a writer!! Don’t be seen!!! You’re an imposter, dude!!! Who do you think you are???

But despite all my resistance and nay saying and doubting and shit talking to myself… the desire stayed.

“there is something to share”… “you’re not doing enough”… “you’re meant for something bigger”… “you’re not where you’re supposed to be”… “you’re not at your potential”… “there’s a better way”… “you can help people”…

These thoughts would continue to creep in. They lingered inside of me waiting to be noticed. Every time I would notice… I’d get too scared and push them back down and away.

But not anymore, y’all.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m still terrified. I am so scared people are going to laugh at me or make fun of me… I’m scared people will be mean to me. I’m scared I’ll write something that will be incorrect and I’ll get called out. I’m worried I’ll hurt someone with what I share.

But my hope is that the positives will outweigh the negatives. My hope is that my story will help another. My hope is that my pain, struggles, and fears revealed will help someone else face their own. My hope is that I will get to show love in a way that is exactly how someone needs to hear it. I hope. And, that’s all I can do… hope.

So, here I go… I’m going to try to do more of what (my friend Jon said) and push through the plague of insecurities that are trying so hard to gobble me up. I’m going to be honest and vulnerable and silly and weird… and I’m going to hope at least one person is seen and helped and loved through this process.

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I wrote the excerpt above last week for my website. I felt the need to write a disclaimer for myself for some insecurity driven reason. And, honestly, I feel like I do that often.

I’m a photographer, but there are so many people out there better than me!

I have owned my business for 18 years… but it’s not a “real” job.

It’s that thing where I have to say the bad thing you may be thinking before you have a chance to think it… so you know I know I’m not amazing or talented or successful or {insert positive descriptor here}.

Humble myself before you can. Knock myself down a peg before anyone else has a chance.

I plan to stop doing that… eventually. But I think this is step one. Admit you have a problem. (That’s the first step usually, right?)

And, next step is to do the hard thing anyway… and claim it. Take ownership of it. I did it with my photography career, and I’m going to do it again now. The old adage goes “Fake it ‘til you make it.” I don’t like the idea of faking anything… ever. But in this case, there may be power in it. Train my brain to believe it. Keep telling myself I AM a writer. I CAN do this… and eventually the neuro pathways will catch up and wire everything appropriately.

How long did it take me to say I was a “Photographer” when I started my business? Probably years. So, I’m curious to see how long it will take for me to say I’m a writer…

I’ll keep you posted.